Event 10: El Grand Finale

The Grand Finale of The 2007 Mancathlon – Karaoke was held at Seba Bar on Friday 23rd November and was attended by the following Mancathletes:

Simon Judkins, Phillip Guthrie, Stuart Brooke, Leighton Agnew, AJ Sutton, Shane Munro, Conrad Blight, Duncan Reynolds, Jared Trail & Brydon Price.

The Mancathlon 2007, from Dream to Reality. From a barroom napkin in Newmarket to Hunua, Bean Rock & Onehunga, brandishing sharp axes, backing trailers, scarfing pizza, betting on hounds, throwing up pizza, diving through pools of mud, kayaking across oceans and running up hills. It had been one hell of journey for these men…from 17 bright eyed Mancathletes at the start of the season to these 12 battle hardened veterans about to enter the final event. Each man had come to know great victories against all odds, and terrible failures when they thought points were assured. They’d supported each other, cheering on their compatriots but at the same time standing on their own two feet and standing tall, fighting through the pain and indignities foisted upon them by the Mancathlon Events Committee with true grit. And now here they were, at the end of a great campaign with one final, beautiful challenge – to climb high atop the Karaoke stage, grab that microphone in their shaking hand and tear out a song for an assembled crowd of jubilant Mancathlon Fans.

As the night sky darkened and the Friday night lights began to twinkle across Auckland City, Mancathletes were in their bathrooms slapping cheap cologne onto freshly shaved faces, practicing freaky dance moves in the mirror, slipping on cowboy boots, wigs and white singlets in their bedrooms, muttering lyrics to themselves in the taxi heading downtown. Meantime fans of The Mancathlon were assembling, drawn to the Grand Finale like moths to a flame, the seductive prospect of seeing these men putting their dignity and vocal chords on the line in one last grasp for those Precious Mancathlon Points proving impossible to resist. But as champagne bottles popped, beers poured and shots shot a strange, towering figure cloaked in a dark cowl emerged from the grey streets and strode ominously towards the stage…

Simon Judkins w/ “Sweet Transvestite” from The Rocky Horror Picture Show

As the beat began to pound from the speakers the cowled figure had his back turned to the audience, his right leg began to shake, his hips began to gyrate, he spun around, flamboyantly shucking his green velvet cloak and revealed to the audience…founding Mancathlete Simon Judkins. Trussed up in a red leather corset, fishnet stockings, lips heavily painted and brandishing a large, horned dildo which was rising tusklike from his crotchal area. There was an audible gasp from the entire audience and a wet, slapping sound as several men violently lost their lunch on the concrete floor. Nonplussed, the ever confident Judkins launched into a primal interpretation of Frank-N-Furter’s cross-dressing classic, pumping his groin, grinding his hips, sneering at the audience, his crazy eyes wide, growling and screaming out the lyrics “satanic mechaniccccc….”. Judkin’s knew that with just 4 points on the board it was time to put it all on the line if he wanted to elude the “I Lost The Mancathlon” Trophy, and put it on the line he did…all of it! Clear attention both to learning his lyrics and to waxing his legs and panty line did not go unnoticed by the judges, and together with his total assault on the senses (all six of them) resulted in a massive first impression for our first competitor.

Phillip Guthrie w/ “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’” by The Righteous Brothers

Number two on the lineup Mr Phillip Guthrie, was suffering from a serious case of the nerves. Around 3 litres of sweet Dutch Courage at the bar prior had failed to extinguish the anxious fires burning within his guts, and now the stage was stretching away from him, expanding towards an infinite horizon…a huge and terrifying arena created expressly for his personal humiliation. Looking deep within himself he knew he had to find the strength to face his fear of the audience; he glanced down at the awesome Top Gun pilot’s outfit he was wearing, he heard in his mind the smooth crooning from the shower that morning, he said to himself “I am the shit. I am the shit! Yeah!”. He clambered atop the stage and the music began. “You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips” he squeezed out in a strangled whisper, clutching his stomach, body all clenched by nervousness. But as the song progressed and he felt the warmth of the audience upon him, he began to relax. His voice gradually freed up and that old croon came back, he started to look about and engage an appreciative crowd with his gaze. By the end of the song as he exhorted all present to “Bring back that lovin’ feelin”, he almost looked like he was enjoying it, he revelled in the applause for just a moment and then beat a hasty and relieved path to the bar.

Stuart Brooke w/ “Rain” by Dragon

Tonight Stu Beef, you will be…Marc Hunter from Dragon. Sporting a tasteful shirt, brown leather jacket, some big early-80′s hair and the ubiquitous mo, the Big Chief was good to go. After a hugely dominant performance in Rangitoto Lite, Stu had the Mancathlon 2007 all sewn up, achieving the spectacular feat of a Double Whammy of Big Chiefdom across the ’06 and ’07 seasons. Against a bolstered field, some very serious competition and a bevy of new events, Beef had come out on top yet again and he was ready to celebrate for sure. Swaggering on stage like his balls weighed 10 kg’s a piece, Beef gripped the microphone and proceeded to belt out one hell of a tribute to the Kiwi Rock Classic. With his volume turned up to 11, the tendons on his neck straining for release and what seemed like the use of a single note, Stu made damn certain that the back of the room could hear what was going on. “DON’T YOU GO OUT IN THE RAAAAINN!!”. His eyes were closed with concentration and against the sheer force of his singing. As the song came to end, Beef raised him arms in victory, opened his eyes and smiled.

Leighton Agnew w/ “Suspicious Minds” by Elvis Presley

Decked out in what appeared to be a skin-tight PVC speed suit with flares, it was somewhat unclear whether Leighton had put on his outfit tonight or spraypainted it on. Suffice to say you could tell exactly what he was thinking at any given moment if you’d wanted to. Striding his lanky frame onto the stage to an appreciative round of cat calls from the ladies, Agnew launched directly into the King’s smoothest ballad – Suspicious Minds. A shaky start saw Leighton’s pitch running wildly all over the place while the man himself was hunched stock still in the middle of the stage. He was dying on the podium, the energy was draining out of the audience, this was not good. But then all of a sudden, half way through the song, things started to change. Leighton’s vocals finally hit their straps, he connected with the melody and started to project his voice with strength. He struck a manly pose and whipped his long arms around the air in a flamboyant series of windmills. The crowd went wild, cheering for more and Leighton gave it to them as only he knew how. With his newfound mojo he rocked the party so hardy he didn’t want to stop, continuing on after the track ended for two more verses, drawing it out with dramatic showmanship and earning himself rolling applause throughout the room.

AJ Sutton w/ “Sittin’ On The Dock Of The Bay” by Otis Redding

AJ Sutton. The Mancathlete whose version of Britney’s “Baby One More Time” in a kilt had comfortably acheived last place in 2006′s Karaoke Comp was back in ’07 with a whole new approach. Looking smooth and sophisticated in tweed suit jacket and black shirt, AJ had trimmed the mo, slapped on the good cologne and was now ready to wow the audience with his soulful interpretation of the Otis Redding standard. Carrying a high leather chair up on stage and seating himself in true balladeer fashion Sutton was looking assured, looking ready to let his voice do the talking and bring home those sweet votes to daddy. Unfortunately that’s where the problem lay…AJ’s inability to inflect his voice with even a modicum of tunefulness resulted in a cardboard rendering of this potentially moving soul classic. AJ’s a legend. A man of many, many talents. Singing ain’t one of em though. His ever present enthusiasm almost carried him through. But didn’t. Sorry bro.

Shane Munro w/ “When Doves Cry” by Prince

After crooning his way through Ol’ Blue Eyes in ’06, Munro had also chosen to switch up gears in 2007 and was now ready to unleash the full power of the Fijian Madness on an unsuspecting world. And what better way to harness that power than through rock music’s most audacious performer, he of the tight pants, low cut tops and inscrutable but sexy lyrics, the diminutive dynamo – Prince. Pretty much the best song ever, “When Doves Cry” was a bold choice for the big fella, would it prove to be a triumph for all things funky or would a shattering disappointment be the result of this act of musical hubris? As he mounted the stage bedecked in a bedazzling sheen-filled show of sartorial splendour Munro got straight into the good stuff. Rocking out with the Cosby Dance, arms locked in by his side, he felt the groove from his balls to his booty, giving the audience his best rock star pout and starting in on those awesome lyrics… “Animals strike curious poses, they feel the heat, the heat between me & you”. Clearly relishing the experience, he was somewhat undermined by a lacklustre karaoke backing track that took the dangerous edge off Prince’s future-funk, by the flatness of his pitch, and by a possible lack of “singalong factor” to the track. Nevertheless it was a captivating & committed rendering of this legendary tune by a highly motivated Mancathlete, kudos Munro, kudos.

Conrad Blight w/ “Ladies Night” by Kool & The Gang

The man who set the bar sky high for Karaoke costuming last year was back, hungry for points and determined to take it to the next ridiculous level. Resplendent in green velvet suit, frilled shirt, gold chains and porno sunglasses; the coup de grace to this lounge lizard livery was a scalp shaved into simulated male pattern baldness by a professional make up artist. As the funky strains of Ladies Night began to spray out of the speakers and into the audience like whipped cream through a firehouse, Blight began his all-singing, all-dancing assault on the hearts & minds of The Ladies. But something wasn’t right, the man seemed nervous, withdrawn, his pitch was all off. What was going on? Blight looked around at the expectant eyes from wall to wall, the room was entirely still, this was trouble. Sweat started pouring off his bald scalp, down his furrowed brow, around his dimpled chin and down onto the gold chain around his neck. He knew something had to give and he decided to throw caution to the hot, desperate winds; stepping down from the safety of the stage he began to sing the lyrics from memory alone, started throwing around some of his white-boy disco dance maneuvers, and finally got his voice in ‘the zone’. As he warmed to the task at hand the dance moves got progressively more flamboyant and blatantly sexual, with the song fortunately ending prior to emergency chiropractry being required…

Duncan Reynolds w/ “Working Class Man” by Jimmy Barnes

A true dark horse of the ’07 campaign, Duncan Reynolds had one last special surprise ready for the Mancathlon. As he swaggered onto the stage in blue jeans, boots and a white singlet, his huge mullet undulating slightly under the overhead fan, he looked up from under his bushy eyebrows and grinned at the audience. The dramatic but restrained opening verse began and Duncan wrapped his vocal chords around it, he took the audience on a journey and they went willingly, he showed them each what it truly meant to be a Working Class Man. “Working hard to make a living, Bringing shelter from the rain, A father’s son left to carry on, Blue denim in his vein”. A glance around the audience revealed total captivation, heads fixed to the stage, drinks cradled loosely in hands and in a couple of eyes tears gently forming and welling over at the sudden rush of emotion in the room. As he crescendoed into the ecstatic climax of the chorus the crowd was in rapture, partly because he was the only Mancathlete that managed to stay consistently in tune, but mostly because he was just that damn good. His secret weapons? Whiskey, youtube and Sam Corban. And natural talent. Boo-yah!

Jared Trail w/ “I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred

Looking every inch like a wrestling manager from the 80′s with a pimp gimmick, Jared Trail was all dressed up and had somewhere to go…the catwalk baby! Purple velvet jump suit with white tiger fur lined collars, pimp cane, gold chains, aviators, the big fella was diggin’ the scene with a gangster lean. Making the supremely wise move of choosing a song involving little or no melody / tonal inflection, Jared sauntered onto stage, grasped the microphone in his sweaty, spade like hands and cracked straight into the famously cheesy acappella intro. “I’m too sexy for my love”. As the heavily processed drums and cartoon bassline starting inappropriately massaging our eardrums, Jared whipped off his velvet jacket revealing a custom made ‘Official Mancathlete’ shirt beneath showing once again the ridiculous high standard of costuming this year. Was Jared too sexy for your party? Was he too sexy for this song? Was he too sexy for your pussycat? Well, that’s really up to you to decide. The judges on the night punished him for his total lack of vocal ability. But certain irrefutable facts remain – perfect song choice for the man, obvious enjoyment and a striking ensemble.

Brydon Price w/ “Total Eclipse Of The Heart” by Bonnie Tyler

As Brydon Price stared out into a sea of empty eyeballs, he felt the fear welling up within him. He began to use powerful auto-hypnotic suggestion techniques to visualise the audience members naked. Suddenly he found himself up on stage in front of 50 drunk naked people. The fear came flooding back worse than ever. He took another slug of his brew and grabbed the microphone. He’d come this far and he was damned if he was going to give up now. Win or lose, he knew it was time to man up, to embrace the Spirit of the Mancathlon! “I might need a little help with this”, he wryly engaged the audience. As the grandly operatic tale of romantic longing and heartache began to sound throughout the crowded room, it was obvious that Brydon had bitten off more than he could chew in his bold bid to avoid last place in the ’07 Mancathlon. A difficult song, a difficult register but damn if you didn’t have to admire the gumption of the man. And anytime his voice fell, the audience picked him up and carried him through the soaring, ecstatic choruses. Judkins began to taunt him from side of stage, holding up the ‘I Lost the Mancathlon Trophy’ but Brydon just become more motivated, throwing everything he had into the last section, continuing on long after the backing track had ended with his own plaintive, emotional cries of “Bright Eyes! Bright Eyes! Bright Eyes!’. The audience erupted into an applause that seemed as though it might never finish……..

And then it was over. The Mancathlon 2007, 12 Weeks of masculinity, ludicrousness, camaraderie, bonhomie, athleticism, competition, hyperbole and a light smattering of trash talk. Yes, a mighty tide had swept over the land and was now withdrawing back out to the endless sea of potential from whence it came, leaving a tremendous Mancathlon sized gap in 12 mens’ weekends. What would they do now? Where would they go? Would they wander that strange wasteland between Fri and Monday with no purpose at all; without the constant thrill of competing against other Mancathletes for Points, Pride & Passion in the Ultimate Contest? Or would they look forward with hopeful eyes towards next year’s competition, feeling the warm glow of the future shining upon their leathery faces? To new challenges, new competitors and exciting new locations. Like Yazz said in ’88, ‘The Only Way Is Up’ as the Spirit of the Mancathlon spreads out across the globe. Congratulations go to the one and only Stuart “Beef” Brooke, unassailable in two consecutive seasons as the reigning Big Chief after fighting back against huge early round dominance from Trail and some serious competition from Guthrie & Agnew. Congratulations to Richard Borg who received ‘The Spirit of The Mancathlon’ Trophy in ’07 by a resounding margin for his remarkable stoicism and good-humour in the face of the shitty hand that was dealt to him this season. And commiserations go to Brydon Price, this year’s recipient of the “I Lost The Mancathlon” Trophy, sorry brother, someone has to get it…

Big thanks to Steve and Jared from Seba Bar for a great venue, and for Steve for his fine work on MC duties. Thanks go to all of the venues who have hosted the Mancathlon this season. Thanks go to regular supporters like Natasha, Yvocative and Shelley for their undying enthusiasm. Thanks to Tarver Graham and to Ash Robinson. Hella Big Thanks to Guy Trowbridge for his beautiful work on the Mancathlon Website, chur bro! A Solid Gold Thanks to the man behind the lens – Caleb Staines, ’06 Mancathlete and this year’s Official Documentarian.

Karaoke Placings

1st Duncan Reynolds 8.95 [5 Points]
2nd Conrad Blight 8.16 [4 Points]
3rd Simon Judkins 7.84 [3 Points]
4th Leighton Agnew 7.14 [2 Points]
5th Stuart Brooke 6.69 [1 Point]
6th Shane Munro 5.79
7th Phillip Guthrie 5.56
8th Brydon Price 4.87
9th Jared Trail 4.72
10th AJ Sutton 4.69

FINAL POINTS TABLE 2007

Brooke (28)
Reynolds (22)
Agnew (20)
Trail (18)
Guthrie (18)
Sutton (14)
Blight (10)
Judkins (7)
MacFarlane (7)
Short (6)
Munro (6)
Price (4)

The following Mancathletes were unable to compete in the Grand Finale but to their undying credit managed to make it down there even though they were late and couldn’t get points:

Josh Short ran away from bodyguard duties for Justin Timberlake for 5 mins to lay a couple of high fives around & Rodney MacFarlane came straight from the international airport, stripped down to his socks and boxers and sung “Old Time Rock n Roll” to a small but appreciative audience of drunkards.

This is El Presidente, Conrico Juarez signing off for 2007,

AQUILA NON CAPIT MUSCAS

GRAND FINALE PHOTOS

Back to the Top

Event 9: The Rangitoto Challenge

The Penultimate Event of The 2007 Mancathlon – “Rangitoto Lite” or “The Bean Rock Brouhaha” was held upon the Glorious Waitemata Harbour on Saturday 17th November. And was attended by the following Mancathletes:
Stuart Brooke, Josh Short, Simon Judkins, AJ Sutton, Rodney MacFarlane, Jared Trail, Duncan Reynolds, Conrad Blight & Leighton Agnew.

The ocean. Terrifying, vast, wet. A place where man was not meant to go. But for 9 battle-hardened veterans of the 2007 Mancathlon season it would prove to be the last ultimate frontier of physical endurance in their quest for greatness…

The Mancathletes were suprised to find themselves out of bed at 8:30 on a Saturday morning in Okahu Bay, in many cases without a crushing hangover. With this kind of turnout for a pre-noon event it was clear that the spectre of the Loser’s Trophy was weighing heavily on the minds of certain athletes. The brainchild of Simon Judkins, the Rangitoto Challenge was originally conceived as a 6km kayak to the iconic island, a run to the top of the crater, a run back down to the sea and another 6km kayak back to the mainland. The kibosh was finally put on this madness by The Mancathlon Presidential Committee who preferred the thought of a heart attack at 70 years old in bed with 2 Brazilian swimsuit models to the prospect of a coronary at 30 in a tiny plastic boat out in the middle of the Auckland harbour. For his own part, Judkins was now pacing back and forth, looking out at the island, shaking his head and saying ‘F*ck I’m glad we’re not going there”. Still at least one man was not impressed by this downgrading of the epic contest, Stu Beef had been doing press ups on the tips of his fingers all winter, bathing in ice water and whipping himself with nunchukas to prepare for the pain of The Challenge.

As we adjusted rudder pedals on the kayaks, listened to the training from the instructors, munched on high tech future foods like the upper level athletes that we are, there was a real sense of anticipation & adrenaline in the air. 4.5 kms out around the Bean Rock lighthouse and into shore at Mission Bay, across Tamaki Drive then running up the steeply graded hill to the Obelisk atop Bastion Point. Not enough to require teams of paramedics at the other end but plenty good enough to push an average man to his limits; yup, get some sweat on the forehead and some lactic acid burning in the muscles! 9 of these average men climbed awkwardly into their kayaks and started paddling aimlessly around the bay like ducklings in a whiskey vat. Duncan Reynolds was looking good straight off the bat, gliding through the water with smooth, confident strokes. It seemed like the man who was going to skip the Challenge, claiming “I don’t do cardio”, could be one to watch after all. But with our resident lycra-loving rowboy Phillip Guthrie out of town at a regatta we all knew there was only one man to beat in this event, the powerhouse, Big Chief Stu Beef. Beef had spent the morning in the bath taking his sneakers on and off at speed to prepare for the transition from ocean to beach, how do you compete with that level of dedication?

Ferg’s Kayak’s capable instructors Graham & Will yelled at the scattered & disorganized Mancathletes to assemble in a straight line at the foreshore facing out to sea. 15 minutes later…we’re good to go, fists closed tightly around the paddles, eyes staring out towards Rangitoto, kayaks bobbing gently upon the undulating waters of the harbour. For a moment time stood still, as each man held in his mind’s eye their own vision of destiny -crossing the finish line in slow-motion, arms raised victoriously, a shower of panties & stripper dollars swirling in the air like a beautiful snow globe. And then, BANG. The starters pistol. Muscles fired into action, arms and backs straining for purchase, a flurry of water as paddles scoop and chop furiously in the still waters of Okahu Bay. Stu Beef’s kayak leapt about 10 metres straight out from the starting line, AJ Sutton & Josh Short chasing swiftly behind. Judkins & Blight immediately veered into Trail’s kayak, pinning him between them as they paddled hard, trapping him in a time wasting 3 kayak pile up. Yelling at them to “F*ck off” and pushing out with his powerful arms Trail managed to extricate himself from the chaos and paddle onwards. Blight got himself hooked on the back of Judkin’s kayak and was pulled around the shallow water like a dog stuck, post-coitus. Finally managing to loose themselves they paddled like mad bastards trying to catch up with the pack who were already disappearing between the yachts.

The front of the pack was weaving through the boats moored out in Okahu Bay and heading towards the jetty where the open ocean began. Beef was starting to gain some headway, Judkins & Blight had managed to move past Agnew & Trail, and all down the line some very serious expressions were plastered on faces as competitors pressed themselves to keep the pace on. Up the front it was all cold, quiet business, but back in the second half the tranquility of the ocean was being intermittently interrupted by yelped profanities from Blight – who was convinced that his kayak had a faulty rudder and was incapable of turning right. Some visual evidence supported his claims as he seemed to be constantly veering towards the old town of Devonport, working a strange tacked line towards Bean Rock. Judkins of course was heaping derision on him as these two old friends fought it out too maintain 5th place in the pack. Up at the front it was our three surfers, Brooke, Short & Sutton slugging it out for the top spot.

It was an absolutely gorgeous day out on the water, clear blue skies, warm sun shining down, glassy water stretching out towards the picturesque island. But screw that, who cares, it was business time sucker! Each Mancathlete was having to dig deep within himself, to battle that mocking voice within that said “Quit!, you can’t do it, turn around, you’re old, fat and lazy, go to the bar, go to Micky D’s and drown your sorrows in burgers & softserves”. Or whatever. It seemed like the harder you paddled the further away Bean Rock got, arms were starting to feel like jelly, backs aching, legs cramping up. It was sweeeet! The convoy was becoming stretched out across the water by this point, but up in the distance Stu Beef was rounding Bean Rock, inspiring the other competitors to push on with renewed gusto. As the Mancathletes rounded the lighthouse at Bean Rock and looked in to the beach at Mission Bay, seeing also the ultimate goal atop Bastion Point, they knew they had passed the half way mark. But there was still a fight ahead of them and plenty more ocean to push through.

As Beef finally paddled into shore at Mission Bay he leapt out his kayak, only to find his calf muscles had become badly cramped during the kayak. Prancing daintily up the beach like a hobbled ballerina, nothing would stop the massive determination of this juggernaut though as he stumbled across the bridge then up the steep stairs towards Bastion Point. Close behind was Josh who had managed to edge ahead of Sutton during the frenzied kayak into the beach. Sutton was suffering from distraction as Mad Mike circled him in his inflatable dinghy taunting him with offers of beer & cigarettes, and helpful exhortations like “Shit, that’s gonna hurt tomorrow bro!”. But as AJ beached his craft all distractions receeded into the background, replaced by pure focus and physical intensity as he sprinted across the road and up the steps, chasing hard after Josh for that sweet silver placing.

Back in the mortals pack, Duncan Reynolds was proving to be the dark horse of the event. Dismissed by some as a pie-munching, beer sculling slob, Duncan was pissing on the preconceptions with fiery gasoline from his disdainful bladder. His powerful stroke had put him onto the beach 4th, comfortably ahead of Judkins & Blight & Agnew, who were next to land. And there was just no way these 3 competitors were going to be overtaking him on the hill climb. Judkins had a steel bar in his leg from a hideous motorcycle accident in Italy, Agnew had twisted his ankle playing touch rugby and Blight had torn muscle fibres in his hamstring from trying to impress the sexy ladies at the gym. As Judkins & Blight set off powerwalking up the hill it was Agnew who was prepared to man up and put his body on the line for Precious Mancathlon Points. He jogged just far enough to get ahead of them and then proceeded to walk to the finish line, looking back with his hooked nose and piercing gaze to ensure that no other man was trying to take a run at the 5th place he had secured for himself.

Meanwhile at the finish line Beef had already crossed to the glory and acclaim of the 2 spectators atop Bastion Point. Slumped on the freshly mown grass surrounding the Savage Memorial, Beef savoured both a cold beer and the realization that his efforts had brought him not merely a victory in The Challenge but also unassailable dominance in the 2007 Mancathlon, Big Chiefdom for the second year running and that badass Mancathlon Trophy back in his living room. Coming in 2nd place was AJ Sutton who had managed to overtake his rival Short on the hill climb, coming in just 12 seconds ahead of Josh. Next across the line was Duncan Reynolds, followed less than a minute later by the big man, Leighton Agnew. And yes, they were walking, but they were walking tall… Judkins & Blight crossed the line shortly afterwards. A couple of minutes later Jared Trail ambled across the finish line. It was time for a cold beer, relaxing on the grass and soaking up the serenity before the paddle back. But something was missing. Looking down over the cliff to the bay, there he was, Rodney MacFarlane – struggling into Mission Bay looking devastated but determined. Eight minutes later and Rodders jogged across the line, to be sprayed with cold beer and accolades. A damn good effort all round.

The Rangitoto Challenge, Rangitoto Lite, The Bean Rock Brouhaha, call it what you want, it was the good shit for sure. A perfect day for it. A fine turn out. A taxing physical event and an ideal lead in to the following week’s unmissable Marquee Event…El Grand Finale!!

Thanks to Ferg’s Kayaks. Thanks to Chris Read, Zodiac Pilot (and John Read, Zodiac Owner) for able work on the chase boat. Thanks go to the inimitable Mad Mike for amusing sports psychology and motorised beer distribution on the return journey. Thanks to Ash Robinson, Tarver Graham, Guy Trowbridge, Shannah Leamy, Brydon Price & Natasha De Faria for tight work in various documentary & race official roles.

Final Placings

1st Stuart Brooke 33’00″ [5 Points]
2nd AJ Sutton 33’26″ [4 Points]
3rd Josh Short 33’34″ [3 Points]
4th Duncan Reynolds 36’15″ [2 Points]
5th Leighton Agnew 37’05″ [1 Point]
6th Simon Judkins 37’29″
7th Conrad Blight 37’52″
8th Jared Trail 39’53″
9th Rodney MacFarlane 49’12″

POINTS TABLE [After Nine Events & The Bonus Round]

Brooke (28)
Agnew (18)
Trail (18)
Guthrie (18)
Reynolds (17)
Sutton (14)
MacFarlane (7)
Short (6)
Blight (6)
Munro (6)
Price (4)
Judkins (4)

The following Mancathletes were absent from Event 9:
Phillip Guthrie & Brydon Price.

The following Mancathlete wasn’t allowed to come cos his girlfriend wouldn’t let him:
Shane Munro

EVENT 9 PHOTOS

Back to the Top

“Do Not Press This Button”

Event 8: Masterbrain

The Eighth Event of The 2007 Mancathlon – “Masterbrain” was held in the backroom of The Claddagh Bar on Sunday 11th November and was attended by the following Mancathletes:

Stuart Brooke, Shane Munro, Duncan Reynolds, Phillip Guthrie, Josh Short, Jared Trail, AJ Sutton, Simon Judkins & Leighton Agnew.

With the majority of the physical challenges out of the way it was time to test the mental attributes of the Mancathletes.

Sure, they could chop their way through mounds of hardwood, dive into stinking, mosquito infested mud and then blow chunks of brown shit and blood out of their noses for the next week, chew their way through some of the nastiest concoctions known to man and apart from Brydon, Jared and Conrad, keep it down, but could they count without using their fingers, spell rather than smoke marijuana, or point in the general direction of the clitoris without having to ask directions first?

Only time would tell – well time and the most intellectual Mancathlon challenge to date – MasterBrain.

Devised by the ever devious Quizmaster Caleb Staines, MasterBrain was designed to challenge the full spectrum of the Mancathletes’ mental prowess. More than four hundred carefully selected questions awaited the Mancathletes, who were fully expecting this to be the easiest challenge of the Mancathlon 2007.

Masterbrain glory awaited some, mediocrity others, while the title of stoopidest Mancathlete reserved a special place for one lucky recipient.

After listening to the rousing MasterBrain anthem, QuizMaster Staines explained the rules of the night’s competition. 20 questions in rapid succession, no passing, no hints from the audience and think before opening your mouth as you only had one chance to get it right.

One got the feeling Staines was relishing his moment of power and planned to take full advantage of the opportunity to avenge his humiliating defeat at last years’ Mancathlon.

Afraid he couldn’t foot it with the big boys this time round, Staines had pulled out of the Mancathlon 07, instead opting to record the exertions and humiliations from behind the camera.

Rico had stormed off to Wellington in a sulk and taken his toys with him, so the Randomiser TM had been replaced, with the Randominator pat pending deciding the order of questions for the evening.

First to take the MasterBrain challenge was reigning Big Chief Stu “Beef” Brooke. Only five points ahead, a tight cluster of Big Chief hopefuls had their fingers crossed that Beef’s overdeveloped biceps had sucked some seriously needed protein away from his brain.

Beef took his seat, brimming with machismo and confidence. However Beef’s swagger soon vanished as the Randominator did its evil work and Staines read out the first question.

Far from being a walkover it rapidly became apparent that MasterBrain was going to be hard, f*cking hard in fact. Harder than a Mancathlete in the morning, although judging by the amount of beer consumed and the apparent difficulty of the questions, likely to last significantly longer.

The buzz in the room quickly died down and anxious glances were exchanged as the assembled Mancathletes realised that some serious humiliation was about to be dished out. Thoughts of maximum points disappeared, replaced instead by a desperate hope that at least one question could be answered and a humiliating public down trou avoided.

It became clear that this was going to be a fight for survival – a struggle of mental giants, a titanic, titillating, testosterone tainted tangle of quick firing neurons and half arsed, face saving one liners. More than a few Mancathletes were going to have their intellectual inadequacies exposed in a cruelly public fashion, and end the night crying into a therapeutic pint of Kilkenny.

Beef added yet more evidence that he was the man to watch this year, successfully answering 10 out of his 20 questions.

Next into the hotseat, Shane Munro. The Mancathlon’s resident techie, Munners obviously spent a lot of time online, but was that time put to good use, or was it misspent looking up copious quantities of titty flicks and animal porn? MasterBrain was about to reveal all and the answer my friends was far from pretty.

Once again the questions came hard and fast, but this time the correct answers were not as forthcoming. Shane’s head slowly slipped further into his hands as question after question went by without success. Then suddenly applause broke out from across the room as, by luck or by design, he got one right. Then another, and another again! However Munners had left his run for glory too late running out of track just as he came up to full steam. Reluctantly settling for three out of twenty, Munro headed for the bar to soothe his ravaged ego.

Duncan Reynolds was the next called to account for himself. A former professional chef who’d cleaned up at the Chilli Cookoff, Reynolds had traded in his wooden spoon and girly apron and was studying e-business at university. Was Reynolds suited to the ivory tower educational experience, or would MasterBrain reveal he’d taken to the books like a duck to a dose of bird flu?

20 questions later the answer was clear – a fine eight proved that Reynolds hadn’t flushed his tuition fees down the shitter. But would eight be enough to guarantee him points and lift him clear of the other Mancathletes struggling at the bottom of the table?

The next to be called, Phill Guthrie. Phill nervously strode to the centre of the room. A semi professional student, Guthrie was living proof that Cs make degrees. A product of the Labour government’s drive to increase access to tertiary education, Phill owed his qualifications to falling entrance standards, a gift of the gab and four years of female lab partners trading help on lab reports for sexual favours.

Phill started well, answering a series of obscure questions without even stopping to think, but then it all began to unravel. A fatal lack of attention in third form music was Phill’s undoing, and it soon became obvious he couldn’t tell a B flat from a B cup. The early momentum died away and Guthrie limped across the finish line with 12 points.

Josh Short, the sometimes Mancathlete – a specialist at events involving bars, beer and drinking. Short knew if the questions came of the inside of a Tui cap he had a pretty good shot at making a clean sweep. Answering Staines’ hard thought out questions with disdain, Short treated MasterBrain like some sort of high falutin drinking game, taking voluntary forfeits for each question he got wrong. Short soon reached the end, speeding up noticeably as the level in his glass reached rock bottom. Short walked away with seven out of 20, swearing he’d bring a bigger glass with him next time.

The next to be called and judged was the Beast from the Northeast, Jared Trail. With an encyclopaedic knowledge of modern-day smack talk and a photographic memory of every CounterStrike map ever created, Trail fancied his chances at some quick and easy points. However, as Trail soon discovered MasterBrain made CounterStrike look like Tiddlywinks.

Used to pwning h0m0s, campers and n00bs, Trail managed to wing a few questions, before a long succession of blanks took him down. As he was leaving, Jared was heard to mutter “I could answer everyone else’s questions, but all mine were about cricket or some other gay shit”. The verdict, two out of 20, leaving Jared at serious risk of walking away with the title of stoopidest Mancathlete for 2007.

Suddenly an awful wailing broke out from the room next door, a horrible, effeminate sound that sent shivers down the spine of every Mancathlete present. Karaoke, a timely reminder of things to come, although every mancathlete hoped they didn’t sound as god awful as whatever it was singing in the next room. mancathletes and spectators hesitated – what was worse, to listen to showtunes belted out at top volume, or to close the door and suffer in a room that stank of stale fart, week old cigarette smoke and an overdose of Brut, Old Spice and Lynx?

The answer was easy – at least the smell was their own – the heady stench of competition filling the air, well that and a few contributions from Munro, Beef and co. The door was closed and our game competitors were left to carry on.

AJ Sutton was the next to take a seat. The caterwauling outside had subsided slightly, but the look on AJ’s face spoke volumes. Once a promising perfomer, an unfortunate bulge in the pants while playing Juliet in the annual Rotorua Boys High School performance of Romeo and Juliet the Musical had scarred AJ for life, leaving him with an irrational fear of showtunes.

With his hands firmly affixed over his crotch AJ sweated his way through 20 nervous questions, all the time thinking of the time he accidentally walked in on Nana in the shower. While he survived without “arising to the occasion”, AJ’s score unfortunately suffered. The verdict, seven out of 20, and a possible shoot out with Josh for those ever elusive Mancathlon points.

The next Mancathlete up, Simon Judkins, a clinical psychologist with more letters after his name than in it. Somewhere along the line all that crazy had rubbed off on Judkins and had begun to dribble out and pool on the floor. Judkins lunacy in designing the Pentagram was directly responsible for at least one hospital stay and it would be unlikely that a full field of Mancathletes would make it back from the Rangitoto Challenge.

Judkins started well, proving himself particularly adept at the spelling challenges and showing he truly was a cunning linguist. Surely, of all the events, this was Mr Six’s chance to shine. It was Judkins’ chance for 15 minutes of Mancathlon glory and he took it with both hands – literally, every… precious… f*cking… second… of… it. Simon answered his questions so slowly that 15 minutes turned into 20, and 20 soon into 25. Mancathletes came and went, beers were poured, consumed and dispatched down the urinal before Simon “slowmo” Judkins rolled across the finish line. Nine out of 20 was a creditable score, but Judkins ensured next year’s Mancathlon would be tagged with a time limit.

Leighton Agnew – the final Mancathlete. Leighton took his seat just as AJ and Josh took their places at the microphone outside. Unfortunately for Leights, Simon had bored the crap out of the assembled audience and the spectators had scarpered to the bar, the loo or to watch AJ and Josh murder “November Rain” (including yours truly). Leights was on his own with no applause greeting his arrival and no moral support (or whispered answers) to help him out.

Did this bother Leights – f*ck no. Assuming the classic “Thinker” pose he tore through the questions, disdainfully firing answers back at Staines without even stopping to think. The square root of 64 – 6. The capital of Colombia – Baghdad. Which Shakespeare play had a title character called King Lear – who the f*ck was Shakespeare? Leights clearly had had enough of this intellectual poofery and wanted to get home. The result, a rapid fire 6 out of 20 and one of the fastest times of the evening.

The points were added up and for the first time in Mancathlon history a tie breaker was needed for the final, glorious Mancathlon point. Josh and AJ would face off in a five question, winner take all shoot out. One would walk away with one sweet Mancathlon point, the other with sweet f*ck all – who was it to be?

Josh left the room (taking the opportunity to get another beer) as AJ faced off against the Quizmaster. Five tough questions in a row saw AJ struggle, managing to correctly answer just one. The question now remained, would one be enough? Was Short as pissed as he appeared to be, or was it all a cruel and callous charade designed to lull AJ into a false sense of security?

Short took his seat and with a mighty pull at his beer demolished AJ’s hopes in front of his devastated, tear filled eyes. It took Short just two questions to put AJ out of his misery and round out the final five.

The Roll of Glory:

Guthrie – 5 points
Brooke – 4 points
Judkins – 3 points
Reynolds – 2 points
Short – 1 point

POINTS TABLE [After Eight Events & The Bonus Round]

Brooke (23)
Trail (18)
Guthrie (18)
Agnew (17)
Reynolds (15)
Sutton (10)
MacFarlane (7)
Blight (6)
Munro (6)
Borg (4)
Price (4)
Judkins (4)
Short (4)
Wilson (0)

The following Mancathletes were absent from Event 8:

Brydon Price, Conrad Blight, Richard Borg, Rodney MacFarlane & Ben Wilson.

Finally – the coveted award of Stoopidest Mancathlete goes to (and it gives me great pleasure and makes me feel a little warm & fuzzy, in my pants, to say this) – Jared “My questions were all about gay shit” Trail.

Report filed by PJ Guthrie

EVENT 8 PHOTOS

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Event 7: Chili Cook Off

The Seventh Event of The 2007 Mancathlon – “The Chili Cook Off” was held at AUT Hospitality School on Saturday 3rd November. It was attended by the following Mancathletes:

Phillip Guthrie, Dr Ben Wilson, Stuart Brooke, Josh Short, Simon Judkins, AJ Sutton, Rodney MacFarlane, Jared Trail, Shane Munro, Duncan Reynolds & Conrad Blight.

Chili Con Carne, the official dish of the US State of Texas. Meat and Chile Peppers, a cowboy dish, a simple manly meal whose creation has been elevated to the level of art by the now worldwide institution of The Chili Cook Off. It was The Mancathlon’s turn to pay homage to the artists of the past like Phil Walter with his 1989 World Champion “Tarantula Jack’s Thundering Herd Buffalo Tail Chili” or Randy Robinson’s ’91 World Beater, the devastating “Road Meat Chili”. And so it was that on a Saturday afternoon in sunny Auckland the pristine stainless steel benchtops of the Hospitality School’s Kitchen #5 stretched out before the gathered Mancathletes, an infinite blank canvas on which to paint their own masterpieces of the palate. With just three and half hours until the Expert Celebrity Judges were due to give their verdicts, the competitors began selecting their pots, slicing their ingredients and beginning the alchemical process that they hoped would turn their base supermarket-bought ingredients into solid gold Mancathlon Points. At 3:45pm each Mancathlete would have to submit three bowls of Chili, identified only by their Contestant Number to the Three Judges – David, Seru & Melita. The Expert Judges would then dip their massively enlarged taste buds into each Chili like some bizarre proboscises and roar out a score based on the following six parameters – Taste, Consistency, Aroma, Spice & Bite, Meat Texture, and Colour.

Competitor #1 – Phillip Guthrie. A late arrival, an unapologetic bachelor chef, a man whose version of wining and dining usually involves Burger King and a root in the carpark. But would this fierce competitor pull out all the stops in Event 7 to get himself back into the front pack of The ’07 Mancathlon? When he showed up an hour late with the most basic set of ingredients it looked like the answer was no. But you should never, ever discount Phill Guthrie. After assembling a straightforward mince concoction he started roving the kitchen observing the various techniques and groceries on offer. Soon he began to pilfer ingredients to add to his own creation, some hot sauce here, a chili there, maybe a sprinkling of herbs. Before we knew it Guthrie was out of control, drunk on stolen ingredients and hunched feverishly over an increasingly potent pot of chili con carne with a manic gleam playing across his wet eyeballs. Not making the Top 5, he nevertheless came through with a respectable 7th place, to the bitter and lasting chagrin of those who had blown a stack of cash on flash ingredients but got a shit score. Like Blight. And Trail.

Competitor #2 – Ben Wilson. Another late arrival with a rudimentary set of ingredients. The usually relaxed and gregarious Mr Wilson seemed uncomfortable in the stark environs of Kitchen #5 amidst the quiet intensity of this competition. He was clearly bemused at the reasoning behind the 3 hour time frame and after preparing his dish within 20 minutes he spent the remainder of the contest occasionally stirring his mince and mostly just wandering around with a bewildered expression on his face. When the clock finally stopped Ben presented what can only be described as an impoverished bachelor’s interpretation of of the Tex-Mex classic. One judge wrote, somewhat scathingly “The phrase ‘Plain Brown Mince’ springs to mind…”

Competitor #3 – Stuart Brooke. The Big Chief came prepared to the Chili Cook Off with his own blue enameled cast iron cookware, hilariously named “Dutch Oven”. Stu Beef immediately went deep within the zone and remained there for the next 3 hours, constantly cooking, mixing, adding, tasting and finessing his creation. The ever present clenched jaw and glazed expression of the highly competitive Chief were out in force with one witness noting that he was saw the Big Chief actually snarling at one point. Brooke utilised the 3 Meat Combo approach – with Pork, Mince & Topside going into the mix, as well as his secret ingredient Smoked Paprika. He attempted to cook freshly prepared kidney beans but wasn’t able to get them tender in time and withdrew these from use in his final chili. A brief chilling at the end to meld the flavours and Beef presented what would be the Number Three Chili, a somewhat tame but delicious concoction that netted him 3 points, vaulting him into the coveted Number One Spot on the Leader Board and making Stu the man to beat once more.

Competitor #4 – Josh Short. Conspicuously absent for much of the 07 Campaign, J. Short got off to a bad start in Event 7 by neglecting to bring any Chili to a Chili Con Carne Cook Off. Rectified by a loaner from Stu, this quiet achiever got down to the business at hand and within an hour had finalised his mince & beans based entry and pissed off to get some beers. Josh’s natural ability shone through in the pot and a flavourful Chili was born, his first two Mancathlon Points the reward.

Competitor #5 – Simon Judkins. Judkins’ Mancathlon dreams had become nightmares in recent weeks, with no points on the board and the specter of the Loser’s Trophy waking him in the middle of the night, covered in sweat and screaming incoherently. Simon knew it was time to make it happen in 07; to take what he knew he deserved…Precious Mancathlon Points. Adopting the Kitchen Sink approach to Chili creation, Judkins incorporated a host of secret ingredients including anchovies, bacon, smoked paprika, chocolate and homemade roast red pepper sauce. Attempting to combine savoury, hot and sweet flavours in one Ultimate Dish, Judkins’ elaborate blend was tasty enough to secure him 5th place and a single Mancathlon Point. Visibly crushed by the result it was clear that Judkins had been predicting a much richer prize for his efforts but sadly it was not to be, the judges results were final and no correspondence would be entered into…

Competitor #6 – AJ Sutton. A consummate ladies man who has wooed many a fine young filly with shucked oysters and shaved truffles over roasted fowl. Sutton knows only too well the true potency of a well cooked meal and was looking to seduce the Celebrity Judges with his own brand of Red Hot Chili Romance. Utilising a combination of mince, red onions, beans, and pork & fennel sausages Sutton began his assault on the hearts, minds and stomachs of our 3 Judges. This quiet but confident cook used a bottle of Pinot Noir as his secret ingredient, as well as an excellent way to pass the time during the lengthy cooking period. A slab of Dairy Milk went unused, but a whole packet of Watties Tomato Sauce was added to the mix, leading an embittered Judkins to brand Sutton as “The Home Brand King”. It was Sutton that had the last laugh though when his Chili Con Carne connected hugely with the Judging Panel, scoring over 80 points, sending them back for seconds and putting AJ back in the running with a much needed 4 Points.

Competitor #7 – Rodney MacFarlane. Rodders made a risky strategic maneuver in Event 7, opting to cook a South Eastern Chili Crab for a Chili Con Carne Cook Off. MacFarlane’s dish was duly rejected by The Mancathlon Events Committee as being unorthodox, unmanly, unauthorised and unappropriate. This young firebrand went ahead anyway, bucking the system and cooking his delicious seafood folly as an Exhibition Piece only with no points up for grabs. Described by one of the judges as “Quite Good”.

Competitor #8 – Jared Trail. The Big Man with the Cast Iron Ring. Trail was another advocate of the More Is Better approach to Chilli Cooking, stuffing his cast iron pot with pounds of sirloin steak, pork cutlet, minced beef and kidney beans. Into the mix was added handfuls of jalapeno peppers, fresh chilis, chili pepper and great sluicing pours of Lingham Brand Hot Sauce. As the evil decoction simmered away, a bright red layer of pure chili oil slowly rose to surface, a bubbling thick membrane that burnt the skin in your nostrils and erupted your forehead in sweat. Jared was preparing to make his presence felt in the bellies of the Judges but would it win him big points for the pure gusto of his Chili or merely destroy their stomach lining? Earning a top rating across the board for ‘Spice & Bite’, Trail’s Chili was judged as surprisingly palatable in addition to it’s terrifying potency, almost getting Jared on the points board with 6th Place. Trail’s feedback was “That chick couldn’t handle my Chili”. Maybe it’s true.

Competitor #9 – Shane Munro. Turning up late and then being locked out for 45 minutes because Blight didn’t hear his cellphone going did not augur well for Munro’s chances in The Big Chili Cook Off. He started off on the back foot and somehow never quite recovered, eventually presenting a Chili that was described as “Quite Chunky”.

Competitor #10 – Duncan Reynolds. A former professional chef, Reynolds came into Event 7 as the clear favourite. Basing his recipe on the holy trinity of French Cooking, the Mirepoix; he sliced, diced and sauteed his ingredients with intimidating proficiency, his powerful forearm becoming a blur as he whisked the ingredients around in the pan. An artful blending of spices, a little red wine and whole lot of love were Duncan’s secret ingredients. Looking incredibly comfortable in the kitchen (except for during Judkin’s allegations of sexual impropriety with the judging panel) it was obvious that Reynolds was in his element. As he plated up his masterpiece he signalled to the other chefs with his secret chef semaphore, guacamole garnish, that here was the entry to truly take seriously. Duncan beat off the competition with relish, coming everywhere with a huge finish of his own and a total score of 84.33.

Competitor #11 – Conrad Blight. Uncle Rico had “gone troppo” on the ingredients for Event 7, seeking out a specialty Mexican Supplies store and purchasing a motherload of flashy and authentic items. He toasted guajillo chiles then hydrated them in boiling water. He sprinkled Mexican Oregano into the pot. He crumbled Cinammon Chocolate into the mixture. Everything seemed to be going so well, a delicious aroma was wafting from the cast iron pot for the first hour and half. Then it all went terribly, terribly wrong, the cheap, fatty cuts of meat began to turn to gravy and by the time 3 hours was up a soupy brown mixture had replaced the previously pretty picture in the pot. The judges judged harshly but appropriately, dishing Blight up an average rating of just 71 percent and throwing his plates in the bin in obvious disgust. Blight quietly helped the other Mancathletes clean up the kitchen, went home, sculled a lukewarm bottle of Asti Spumante and cried himself softly to sleep.

Another fine event, made all the more epic by the beautiful facilities in which we worked and the high, professional standards of our judges. Watching David, a Senior Cooking Lecturer from AUT dilligently move through each of our entries appraising them with an intense look on his face, testing the consistency, inhaling the aroma and comparing the various tastes on offer was pricelessly entertaining. A big thank you to David for opening his kitchen us and for getting into the spirit, big thanks also to our other chefs Melita and Seru for their good work, and to Renny and the AUT Hospitality School for the venue hire.

Final Placings

1st Duncan Reynolds 84.33% [5 Points]
2nd AJ Sutton 80.33% [4 Points]
3rd Stuart Brooke 79% [3 Points]
4th Josh Short 78% [2 Points]
5th Simon Judkins 75.67% [1 Point]
6th Jared Trail 75%
7th Phillip Guthrie 74%
8th Shane Munro 73.33%
9th Conrad Blight 71%
10th Ben Wilson 70.33%
- Rodney MacFarlane [Exhibition Only]

POINTS TABLE [After Seven Events & The Bonus Round]

Brooke (19)
Trail (18)
Agnew (17)
Reynolds (13)
Guthrie (13)
Sutton (10)
MacFarlane (7)
Blight (6)
Munro (6)
Borg (4)
Price (4)
Short (2)
Judkins (1)
Wilson (0)

The following Mancathletes were absent from Event 7:

Leighton Agnew, Richard Borg & Brydon Price.

And remember, just a few scant weeks until The Grand Finale in which you, the Mancathlon Fans will decide the ultimate fate of these fine athletes in their last grab for the brass chain – The Karaoke Competition.

EVENT 7 PHOTOS

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Event 6: Assault Course

The Sixth Event of The 2007 Mancathlon – “The Assault Course” was held at Camp Adair in Hunua on Sunday 28th October and was attended by the following Mancathletes:

Brydon Price, Stuart Brooke, Conrad Blight, Phillip Guthrie, AJ Sutton, Jared Trail & Leighton Agnew.

The lush surrounds of YMCA’s premier outdoor facility ‘Camp Adair’ provided the backdrop for Seven Mancathletes to throw their aging bodies against a brutal and unforgiving Assault Course. Team Croydon Rd survived a nerve-wracking Blight-piloted car ride to the camp, arriving just in time to see Brooke & Agnew get yelled at by the camp manager for “touching his equipment” too soon. We brushed our shoulders off, regrouped and walked the course with our more amiable instructor Rob, who explained the various obstacles ahead of us – a simple fence jump to begin, followed by a series of hurdles to be alternately jumped over and slipped under, a rope swing, a backwards bridge walk, a low army-crawl through a watery trough, up and down a large rope net, over an eight foot wall, over and under through a horizontal laddery obstacle, looping figure 8 through parallel poles, the classic tyre run, up over narrow beam walks and then a forward roll through a deep puddle and under a rope followed by a run to the finish line. How hard could it be? Really.

The Randomizer had spat out Price’s name Third this week, but with Wilson at home being torn apart by a savage hangover and Munro pulling his first no-show of the season to work on the new house it was Brydon’s turn to man up. He came strong out of the gate, moving smoothly through the hurdles and the rope swing and limberly across the backwards beam. Jogging up to the army crawl he performed an impressive Hasslehoff-style dive into the shitty water, setting the standard for aquatic gusto that other Mancathletes would have to follow. The rain had fallen hard the previous night and the puddles dotted throughout the course had become swollen, muddy pools, surprisingly deep and incredibly stinky. Price’s body emerged from the fetid water at the other end of his swan dive, army crawling furiously to escape the filthy brown embrace of the stankwater. Jogging to the rope net his wiry strength propelled him up and over easily, bringing him to the eight foot wall. Pausing to catch his breath, he ran at the wall and leapt, smacking his kneecaps and chafing his forearms as the wall rebuffed his advances. Again he tried. And again. Never giving up, Price felt the flaming eyes of The Mancathlon Eagle boring into his soul, willing him to fly, its arrogant gaze filling him with strength and potency. But still the wall would not fall. Finally after 45 seconds, Rob called it, Brydon had been penalized enough and he was allowed to take the lower wall. His manly energy had been thoroughly sapped by the rigours of the wall but he continued through the course at a respectable pace, jogging to the finish line in 6 and a half minutes.

Next on the block was The Big Chief Stu Beef. Beef had been steadily closing on the front pack for the last few weeks, and his square jawed and steely eyed intensity was squarer and steelier than ever as he waited for the starter’s pistol. Tear-assing onto the course, legs pumping furiously he began to hurl his body over the obstables, rolling and ducking from one to the next like a man possessed. Making short work of the rope net, he then cleared the wall on his first attempt, hauling himself over and trotting towards the laddery thing. Having scoped it out on the walkthrough he’d obviously decided the best strategy was to leap up through each rung, spin himself over and then drop like a sack of potatoes onto the ground below. Repeat 6 times. It was painful to watch but the focus was awesome and you can’t argue with it cos less than 3 minutes after starting he hurtled across the finish line and collapsed onto the ground, chest heaving as he strained for breath, utterly exhausted but having stamped his mark indelibly on the Assault Course.

“Built like a cross country runner but that’s where it ends”. With Guthrie’s cheap jibe ringing in his ears, Blight cantered onto the course, nostrils flaring, big feet tearing up the rough earth, determined to snatch himself some precious Mancathlon points. Would he pull out the goods in Event 6? Or would he choke under the pressure once more? Looking classy through the first half of the course, his momentum was strong and he moved well through the hurdles and backwards walk, the army crawl and rope net. His first attempt at the wall failed though as he crashed ineffectually against the hard wood, bruising his testicles and his ego in equal measures. Hands on his hips & wheezing, he took a run up, visualized his name forever engraved on the front of the ‘I Lost the Mancathlon’ trophy and vaulted towards the wall. This time he managed to get his forearms over and haul himself across the other side. As he entered the second half of the course it looked like Blight’s lack of conditioning might get the better of him, but every time his energy began to visibly flag and his shoulders slump he’d emit a guttural, animalistic cry, amping himself up and dragging himself through the obstacle. After 3 and half minutes he crossed the final hurdle, nose bleeding, knee cut, gasping, covered in mud, grinning.

The next man called to compete was Phillip Guthrie. Mr Guthrie was fancying his chances in Event #6, and he had every reason to. A natural competitor, a fitness enthusiast with a penchant for lycra who hates to lose, he had run this same course as a teenager and was now returning to claim what was rightfully his. Moving swiftly through the first few obstacles with catlike grace and doglike strength, 3 exhausted Mancathletes watched from the starting line as he slipped easily through the contaminated water of the army crawl and jogged towards the rope net. But suddenly, inexplicably, Guthrie’s momentum began to stall. As he clambered up the net, sweat started to pour from his forehead, his stomach formed into knots, his balls withdrew up into his abdomen and a voice in his head began to scream “It’s too high! It’s too high! Humans weren’t meant to climb so high!”. Phill you see, is terrified of heights. Ever so carefully he moved across the exposed summit of the rope net obstacle, gingerly he maneuvered down the other side until finally he was on solid ground once more and the nauseating vertigo abated. He picked up the pace again determined to make up for lost time, but the psychological ordeal of the rope net combined with two attempts to cross the wall had cost him precious seconds. Crossing the line at 4 and a quarter minutes, Guthrie was covered in muck and gasping for breath but standing tall, unbowed, a Mancathlete.

By this stage the course was starting to get slippery adding an extra layer of danger for the remaining competitors (though in their favour some of that filthy, filthy water was getting splashed out). Sutton stepped up to the mark next, ready to unleash his mad dog spirit on an unsuspecting Assault Course and to prove once again that coming straight from the disco to the event is a true strategic advantage for this master of hangover athletics. The airhorn blasted and he was off, moving swiftly and confidently through the course. Pushing himself hard, it was obvious that Sutton was gunning for a sub 3 minute time and it looked like he just might make it. Exhibiting another unorthodox style on the giant horizontal ladder, he attempted a series of forward rolls looping through the rungs, then switched to a more conventional style as his stomach began to churn and his hands slip on the smooth wood. Coming up to the tyre run his hangover suddenly swooped down and clawed at his head, causing him to lose his balance and stumble twice onto the muddy ground. Pushing through the pain he made it over the beam walks and threw himself into that last foul puddle, scrabbling under the submerged rope, up the bank and into 2nd place, a mere 10 seconds behind The Big Chief.

Lumbering onto the course next, the big man, Jared Trail. Faced with the prospect of propelling 110 kgs of Ruakaka Fireman through the course, Trail was relying on powerful upper body strength and a low centre of gravity to provide him with strategic advantage in this event. Looking good through the high/low hurdles, he took a mistep on the rope swing and had to redo it, overcompensating with a massive swing that got the job done in spades. He powered through the next few obstacles until, he hit a wall. The eight foot wall proved to be Trail’s undoing; he threw himself at the wall repeatedly, growing angrier and angrier with the wall until it looked like he might smash the wall, but still the wall would not fall. After 45 seconds Rob called it, Trail took the low wall and progressed onto the second half of the course but the wall had exhausted him. He pushed on to the end and staggered across the line at just over 7 minutes, utterly spent but vowing renewed dominance in the Chili Cook Off.

Last up for the day, Leighton Agnew. Sporting a matching tracksuit that couldn’t help but confer a competitive advantage, Leighton had been studying the other Mancathletes’ strategies and was now ready to make his move on the course. Sprinting out the gate he began to throw his rangy frame over and under the hurdles with wild abandon; overshooting on a leap he cracked his head on one of the wooden poles. Shaking off the fog he got back into action and a dive into a two foot deep channel of filthy stankwater soon cleared out the cobwebs. The difficulty of the 8 foot wall was ably demonstrated when even the 6 foot five Agnew took two attempts to knock the bastard off, but knock it he did, running on through the course and into 4th place just 9 secs shy of Blight in 3rd.

The Assault Course, a good solid man event, and a definite contender for reelection in ’08. Worth the brown sneezes, giardia, bruised forearms and forever stinking sneakers. Special thanks to go to Rob & Caroline from YMCA Camp Adair, to Tash for the great photos and to Stu’s Dad for the slap-up post match bbq, boerwors rules!

Final Placings

1st Stuart Brooke – 2 mins 57 secs [5 Points]
2nd AJ Sutton – 3 mins 07 secs [4 Points]
3rd Conrad Blight – 3 mins 38 secs [3 Points]
4th Leighton Agnew – 3 mins 47 secs [2 Points]
5th Phillip Guthrie – 4 mins 15 secs [1 Point]
6th Brydon Price – 6 mins 35 secs
7th Jared Trail – 7 mins 02 secs

POINTS TABLE [After Six Events & The Bonus Round]

Trail (18)
Agnew (17)
Brooke (16)
Guthrie (13)
Reynolds (8)
MacFarlane (7)
Sutton (6)
Blight (6)
Munro (6)
Borg (4)
Price (4)
Judkins (0)
Wilson (0)
Short (0)

The following Mancathletes were absent from Event 6:

Duncan Reynolds. Rodney MacFarlane, Shane Munro, Richard Borg, Simon Judkins, Ben Wilson & Josh Short.

EVENT 6 PHOTOS

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“Halftime”

Mancathletes observed Labour Weekend by taking a halftime intermission from the constant rigours of high-performance athleticism that The Mancathlon demands. More exciting adventures next week Mancathlon Fans, until then it’s back to surfing for porno and downloading gangster rap songs.

New photos are being added as and when we can be bothered. And Captain Staines is hunched over an overheating supercomputer as we speak, wrestling with needless hours of video footage to create episodes of pure solid gold for our insatiable public.

Event 5: The Pentagram

The Fifth Event of The 2007 Mancathlon – The Pentagram, was held at Place de la Borg in Freemans Bay on a rain-drenched Saturday evening. It was attended by the following worshippers:

Shane Munro, Leighton Agnew, Rodney MacFarlane, Richard Borg, Brydon Price, Jared Trail, Phillip Guthrie, Simon Judkins, Conrad Blight, Duncan Reynolds & Stuart Brooke.

The Pentagram was the evil brain-child of resident Mancathlete Psychologist Simon Judkins. It was carefully crafted to test the breadth of gastronomical fortitude of this year’s Mancathletes with five discreet assaults on the palate…

The scene was set: On a wild weather-swept evening incarcerated in a mighty cage waited a table emblazoned with a burnt Pentagram. On each evil point sat (in no particular order) the following hellish elements:

Fire [Wasabi Lemon Juice Shot]
Water [Speights Swap-a-crate Bottle - to be opened in true manly style using a cigarette lighter]
Dry [2 Bone-dry Weetbix]
Quantity [1 Large Meateor Pizza each]
Foulness [A Raw Egg]

Individually difficult, sequentially insufferable, under time pressure – priceless!

As preparations got underway the tension was palpable as nervous banter belied the steely outer resolve shown by some. Some hid their fear with cocky bravado, others nervously wondered if it was really worth the possibility of Precious Mancathlon Points to put their gut through such abuse. Jared Trail quipped that it was not manly enough for his liking and that he would have made it much harder….words that would ultimately come back to haunt him before night’s end.

Perhaps the most nervy was Mr Judkins himself, well aware of the horror awaiting them all, ever wary of the lack of points on the board and feeling the weight of pressure of having to stomach a dose of his own medicine. As a cruel twist of fate he was Randomized to go first, perhaps fittingly to test whether the task was in fact do-able.

As Judkins entered the cage he was showered with taunts (“Sucked in you evil bastard!”) and a torrential downpour instantly soaking his trademark wife-beater + trucker cap combo. Battling hypothermia and choosing to start with the endurance item, he tucked into the meaty madness that is a large Dominos Meateor Pizza, only to be blunted in his initial enthusiasm by that awful BBQ sauce, wet cardboard taste and sheer sodium-packed shittiness that is processed fast food. After what seemed like an eternity, including several touch-and-go moments where Judkins convulsed with nausea, gagging at the sheer awfulness of the task, he moved on to the desert-dry horror of two weetbix, only slightly dampened by the downpour. After steady progress came the revolting raw egg shot – down in one, followed in quick succession by the much feared and vaunted acerbic lemon wasabi nerve-agent shot – no problemo. After much show-boating and a rather relaxed pace Judkins finally finished with a casual pop of the cap and a leisurely swig of the beer to man-up with a respectable 14 mins 30 secs. Not wanting to waste a nutritious meal he declined the use of The Bucket and rejoined his peers in the stands, proud but thoroughly miserable.

Next up Brydon Price, self-doubt etched on his forehead, reluctantly entered the arena of pain. After a mighty battle with the Meateor of Doom, Mr Price succumbed to the overpowering nausea at 12 mins 32 secs to be the first disqualified for vomiting.

Third up saw the first of the head to head battles, with the host Mr Richard Borg partnering the quietly confident Mr Rodders MacFarlane in the cell of hell. Different strokes for different folks saw the order of items change, and after downing his shots early and some swift eating MacFarlane began to dominate. However disaster struck as he ran into difficulty with that essential man-skill…popping the cap with a cigarette lighter. After much graunching of the lighter the cap finally yielded and Rodders accessed the amber nectar, emerging from the cage as an impressive early leader in a masterly 12 min 15 secs. Mr Borg capitalised on his foes fumbled beer opening to close the gap and finish shortly after with a competitive 13 mins 56 secs.

Next up saw real title contender (in his own mind) Phill Guthrie and quiet achiever Shane Munro enter the Ring of Misery. In an unorthodox move Munro left the Pizza to last, having consumed all other items first. Such was his speed, that despite having consumed all other items, he closed in on Guthrie still struggling his way through the Meateor’s miry madness. Munro’s speed and determination proved to be unmatchable, finishing in a miserly 10 mins 48 secs to lock in maximum points. Phill’s cause was further hampered by his lack of opposable thumbs complicating his prolonged beer opening efforts and committing him to 15 mins 12 secs and seventh place.

Determined to regain a firm grip on his title, reigning Big Chief Stu Beef entered The Cage partnered by Mr Mancathlon himself Conrico “Antacid ain’t Flaccid” Blight. As The Beef made rapid progress, it became apparent that across the Pentagram Blight was floundering in fetid hell. Reaching for the bucket, knowing full well the consequences of failure Blight gagged, retched and then heaved his way to an early exit with an unfinished slice of pizza still on show, mocking his inadequacy. Blight’s frustrations boiled over in a flamboyant shower of warm beer. Beef, unperturbed by the sickening stench in the cage, motored on to a third placed 12 mins 38 secs, casually remarking that the wasabi lemon juice combo would make a pleasant cocktail.

With Precious Mancathlon Points at stake, the ultimate match-up of the evening commenced as three heavyweights entered the ring to duke it out: Agnew, Trail and Reynolds. The tension (or discomfort) was evident as the three inmates paced in the tight Guantanemo Bay-esque enclosure like condemned prisoners awaiting execution. Trail made good early pace, wolfing down the meaty baked goods like so many delicious hor d’eurves. Agnew also made good time, rapidly closing in on the leading times. Chef de Mission Reynolds kept his revulsion in check to make slow but steady progress through the pizza stage, only to accelerate into the remaining items. As Trail stumbled and hesitated, Agnew finished with a flourish to bag 4th place and Reynolds earned respect with a rapid skull to complete all tasks and secure 8th place. With only pride on the line and in a cruel twist of fate Trail found himself in a surprising situation: nursing his beer. After struggling to neck the bottle, Trail made a fatal error on his last item: the Wasabi Lemon Juice Suspension. With a full gut, having already surpassed the slowest time Trail knocked back the shot, mistakenly holding it in his mouth while waiting to swallow. Seconds passed, time stood still. Trail tripped at the final hurdle spraying wasabi-lemon-pizza-egg-weetbix-beer vomit all over the Borg’s backyard. A fitting come-uppance for daring to question the power of the Pentagram, and a fitting end to an entertaining, if not pleasant Mancathlon event.

Final Placings -
1st Shane Munro 10:48
2nd Rodney MacFarlane 12:15
3rd Stuart Brooke 12:38
4th Leighton Agnew 13:12
5th Richard Borg 13:56

Also Rans -
Simon Judkins 14:32 (yeah 6th place AGAIN!)
Phill Guthrie 15:12
Duncan Reynolds 15:27

Not Up To It -
Brydon Price Disqualified at 12:32 for spewing
Conrad Blight Disqualified at 10:12 for spewing
Jared Trail Disqualified at 16:26 for spewing

POINTS TABLE [After Five Events & The Bonus Round]

Trail (18)
Agnew (15)
Guthrie (12)
Brooke (11)
Reynolds (8)
MacFarlane (7)
Munro (6)
Borg (4)
Price (4)
Blight (3)
Sutton (2)
Judkins (0)
Wilson (0)
Short (0)

The following Mancathletes were absent from Event 5:

Chris Dunn, Ben Wilson, AJ Sutton, Josh Short & Sean Holden.

In Other News:

The Holden Statute came into effect this week resulting in the ejection of Mr Sean Holden & Mr Chris Dunn from The Mancathlon 07. Will 2008 be the year for these fine athletes to shine once more?

Report filed by
Simon Judkins
Honorary Secretary

Aquila Non Capit Muscas – An Eagle Does Not Eat Flies!

EVENT 5 PHOTOS

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Event 4: Trailer Backing

The Fourth Event of the 2007 Mancathlon was held at a Carpark in Onehunga on Sunday 7th October and was attended by the following Mancathletes:

Conrad Blight, Brydon Price, Jared Trail, Stuart Brooke, AJ Sutton, Simon Judkins, Shane Munro & Leighton Agnew.

Implausible flourishes of shredded tyre rubber decorating the surrounding streets, stacks of shipping containers, loops of barbed wire and piles of broken glass, a ten year old driving a forklift back and forth in the factory next door. The Mancathlon’s in Onehunga and loving it!

As Seven Dedicated Mancathletes and several even more dedicated Friends of The Mancathlon gathered in a factory parking lot, stacks of orange road cones were arranged in challenging fashion and linked by lines of white chalk to form a single winding lane leading to a narrow “garage” at the other end. At the beginning of the lane was a ute and flatdeck trailer backed up to the entrance with half a cubic metre of wet bark piled on the asphalt behind the tray. On the line and up for grabs – Manpride, Precious Mancathlon Points and a McGregor Tempered Steel, Short-Handle Shovel. Let the games begin…

With an obnoxious blast of the air-horn Blight’s round began. Attacking the pile of bark with a terrifying frenzy, it was clear that El Presidente had a point to prove in Event 4 – with zero points on the board he was putting it all on the line in his road to redemption in the 07 Mancathlon. His glazed eyes and clenched expression later compared by Judkins to hepped up 80′s wrestling icon The Ultimate Warrior (Click Here for the Madness), he was truly, deeply, in the zone. Once the pile was declared “less than a bucket” by the lady judges Blight galloped to the cab of the ute, fired the engine and began to back it up. Looking good round the first bend he showed a confident touch on the turning maneuvers, but as he moved into the first straight a whistle blew as he hit his first cone. Moving forward off the cone, he then proceeded to back into the same cone 3 more times…not seeming to alter his line at all but becoming increasingly agitated behind the wheel as the whistles continued to blow. Finally the little switch clicked in his brain – he made the right move and backed up along the straight, turning well into the “garage”, but taking it slightly too tight on one side. After more see-sawing, jaw clenching and popping veins on his forehead Blight got it parked and the airhorn sounded for a succesful garaging. He tore back through the course and over the finish line at 6 mins 20 secs.

Next up to bat was Mr Brydon Price. Having never backed a trailer in his life Price came in unprepared for the reverse thinking required for successful trailer backing but armed with the “no guts no glory” attitude that saw his name forever etched upon The Spirit of the Mancathlon Trophy in 2006. A focused and deliberate shoveller Price moved swiftly through to the second phase but here it started to turn pear shaped. Not putting enough angle on the first turn he crossed the chalk and the official’s whistles began to blow. That first corner proved to be a costly education – sucking up a number of valuable minutes as Price came to grips with the masculine Science & Art of Trailer Backing. However when he finally cleared it with the encouragement of the crowd it was a newly experienced competitor who rounded the final corner and confidently slotted his unit into the “garage”. Flying back through the course with a huge grin plastered on his face, Price crossed the line at 14 mins 28 secs.

Radiating both confidence and body odour after his powerful woodchop last week, Jared Trail was next to grasp the hardened steel of the shovel and accept the challenges of Event 4. His bullish style made short work of the bark pile, only pausing once or twice to clutch his lower back in pain. As he backed the ute on to the course he exhibited the slow and steady style he was espousing pre-game, moving unhurriedly through the course with arm hanging out the window, eyes focused on the cones and the usual Ice Cube in ’91 expression on his face. Astoundingly, he completed the narrow course without a single whistle blow, hurtling back across the finish line in 5 mins 31 secs and making himself the man to beat for the rest of the Mancathletes.

Swaggering on to the starting block next was The Big Chief, Stu Beef. Flying through the bark-shovelling section in record time with his steady & focused rhythm The Chief leapt into cab and guided the ute into the narrow, cone-lined lane with the promise of glory blazing in his mind. A fundamentally good run, with few whistle blows, Beef nevertheless got caught on a couple of crucial maneuvers – eroding his initially superb time and bringing him in at a final time of 6 mins 38 secs.

AJ Sutton: another primary contender from 2006 with no points on the board and whole lot of pride on the line in Event 4. Would he have the ballsack to make it happen in this savage contest of Trailer Backing…? Slow and steady went up in flames as Sutton opted for fast and furious, throwing himself in the contest with reckless bravado – shovelling, backing, stalling, backing, stalling, bunny hopping, horn tooting, wheel spinning, diesel belching and finally screaming across the finish line pumping his fist in victory at at 6 mins 28 secs. The man with the most “foul” whistles by an impressively long margin, Sutton also gets Most Valuable Player for Event 4 for humour, gamesmanship and encouragement of his fellow Mancathletes. Shot bro.

With Wife and Baby in attendance and no points on the board Judkins was feeling the pressure bear down upon his shoulders, the tightness in his chest, the rising of his testicles and the sweat forming on his forehead. Would he break through the membraneous barrier of his own fears and ego, erupting triumphantly in a shower of victorious pleasure? Or he would he choke at this all important juncture, relegating himself to another week in the wilderness without the succour of Precious Mancathlon Points? Initially bringing the thunder Judkins looked good in the shovelling and coasted down the first straight… however when he met that first hard corner suddenly the ass dropped out of his champagne campaign. Time seemed to stretch out towards infinity as Judkins repeatedly renegotiated the difficult first corner, whistles blowing on both sides as he hit cone after cone, his face betraying the anger and frustration boiling within his veins. Finally, he found his mojo again, steering into the “garage” and flying back out of the course at 8 mins 40 secs.

Last up on the block was Shane Munro, looking good throughout the day in an orange safety vest with lanyard on “touch judge” duties. Determined to cast aside his reputation as Mr #6 (always in the running but never in the big money points) Munro was highly motivated after Event 3′s indignities and ready to “make it rain” in Onehunga. His athleticism shined through in the shovelling round though his accuracy did not, bark sprayed everywhere, half in the trailer half back out onto the concrete. Never letting up as he shovelled the equivalent of 3/4 of a cubic metre onto the trailer he finally got the okay from the judges and jumped in the cab but as he moved the ute on the track the pace began to slow. Pushing through a few costly mistakes though with a pretty solid round of trailer backing, he made it into the “garage” before tear-assing back out of the course at 8 mins 5 secs – mano cornuta raised high and grinning like a fiend. At this point Munnas had a good, honest point on the board…but at the very last minute a call came through – Agnew was on his way, a Ute Driving Man from the Deep South with an abiding hunger for Mancathlon Points!

After allowing the anticipation to build via a bogus “lost in transit” stratagem, Agnew rolled into the carpark in his specced out utility vehicle ready to make his mark on the Fourth Event of The Mancathlon 07. Cool, calm and collected, Agnew dug his shovel into the pile of prime grade Onehunga bark scooping effortlessly it into the back of the rented trailer. Folding his angular body into the cab, Agnew suddenly became the picture of grace, effortlessly guiding both ute and trailer through the serpentine curves of the coned course; most impressively he actually used the mirrors. Almost hiccuping on the final corner he eased into the “garage” before making a final, spectacular run across the finish line at a dream crushing 4 mins 57 secs.

Post match drinks were hosted by Mildred and the good folks at the Onehunga Returned Services Association; the heated cashew nuts come highly recommended. Thank Yous to Deb from Hollywood Props as well to our charming audience/judges/officials. A Big Thank You to the gregarious Adam of Seamount and the rest of the management out there in Onehunga for the use of their carpark. And a Huge Thank You to Felicity for saving the event from a serious spanner in the works and making it a truly legendary afternoon.

Points Scored – Agnew [5], Trail [4], Blight [3], Sutton [2] and Brooke [1]; and robbed of a point by Agnew’s last minute arrival and dominant performance – Munro [0]

POINTS TABLE [After Four Events & The Bonus Round]

Trail (18)
Agnew (13)
Guthrie (12)
Brooke (8)
Reynolds (8)
Price (4)
Blight (3)
MacFarlane (3)
Borg (3)
Sutton (2)
Munro (1)
Judkins (0)
Wilson (0)
Short (0)
Holden (0)
Dunn (0)

The following Mancathletes were absent from Event 4:

Josh Short, Chris Dunn, Duncan Reynolds, Phillip Guthrie, Sean Holden, Richard Borg, Ben Wilson & Rodney MacFarlane.

Mr Guy Trowbridge has officially withdrawn from contention in the 2007 Mancathlon, citing work and relationship commitments. His legacy lives on via his superb work on the Mancathlon website and the memory of those swollen, disintegrating Herb Dogs from Last Year’s Event 5…

EVENT 4 PHOTOS

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Bonus Round: The Dogs

The Bonus Round of the 2007 Mancathlon was held at the Manukau Sports Bowl on Sunday September 23rd and was attended by the following Mancathletes:

Shane Munro, Leighton Agnew, Richard Borg, Jared Trail, Phillip Guthrie & Duncan Reynolds.

The bonus round of the Mancathlon drew a small field this year with a number of absent Mancathletes later claiming, bafflingly, to have chosen to “spend the afternoon in the sun.” In South Auckland, at least, it was raining steadily. The six dedicated attendees gathered in the enclosed grandstand and quickly calculated the favourable odds of leaving with Mancathlon points. The mood was one of quiet optimism as racebooks were deciphered and tipsheets perused. Some had done their homework – Reynolds arrived flourishing a folder of data – while others relied more on their instincts. In the kennels beneath the stand a hundred vigorous hounds bayed in anticipation.

The pace of the afternoon was brisk. With races every fifteen minutes or so the Mancathletes had to think quickly, making decisions based on the racebook’s cryptic abbreviations, the constantly changing odds displayed on the screens overhead and their observations of the dogs’ physical condition. Guthrie seemed at times to have entered some kind of trance as he scrutinised the dogs being led to the starting box. Suddenly he would rise and stride towards the tote muttering “Thrilling Ted. Thrilling Ted’s gonna take it”. Success was often elusive and even the tipsters were sometimes found to have been barking up the wrong tree. Win and place bets were the order of the day, with only Reynolds collecting on a multiple, picking the quinella on Race Ten.

The decision to assign Mancathlon points based on gross winnings rather than profit made for some interesting strategies. In Race Ten, for example, Trail placed $1 Win bets on seven of the eight dogs racing. This canny technique combined with a heady mixture of sagacity and raw animal intuition brought him $49.10 in winnings and placed him top in the round. Guthrie’s keen eye netted him an early windfall which he shrewdly reinvested to come out in second place with $42.50. The rest of the field was well back with Borg on $24 taking third followed closely by Agnew whose quiet and considered approach secured him $21.30. Reynolds came in fifth with $12.10 while Munro’s $4.70 left him out of the points. A post-event audit raised some questions about possible funds-topping but with the competitors concerned denying wrongdoing and the Appeals Commission unable to rule out clerical errors the competition was declared legitimate by Presidential fiat.

Points scored – Trail [5], Guthrie [4], Borg [3], Agnew [2], Reynolds [1]

POINTS TABLE [After Three Events & The Bonus Round]

Trail (14)
Guthrie (12)
Reynolds (8)
Agnew (8)
Brooke (7)
Price (4)
Borg (3)
MacFarlane (3)
Munro (1)
Judkins (0)
Sutton (0)
Wilson (0)
Blight (0)
Short (0)
Trowbridge (0)
Holden (0)
Dunn (0)

The following Mancathletes were absent from the Bonus Round:

Stuart Brooke, Simon Judkins, AJ Sutton, Ben Wilson, Conrad Blight, Josh Short, Guy Trowbridge, Rodney MacFarlane, Sean Holden, Brydon Price & Chris Dunn.

Report filed by
Mr C Staines

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Event 3: Woodchopping

The Third Event of the 2007 Mancathlon was held at Casahuia on Sunday 30th September and was attended by the following Mancathletes:

Shane Munro, AJ Sutton, Leighton Agnew, Richard Borg, Ben Wilson, Jared Trail, Phillip Guthrie, Simon Judkins, Conrad Blight, Duncan Reynolds & Stuart Brooke.

Wood Chopping… The Ne Plus Ultra of Masculinity. The Ultimate Maximum. A Fiery Inferno of Pure Ego, Adrenaline and Testosterone. Yes indeed, many are called but few are a chosen for this Event Among Events!!

As 11 Mancathletes old and new assembled in the backyard of Casahuia the tension was palpable, the nerves radiating off each man, the excitement building and building, demanding release thorough the pure physical catharsis of axemanship. The platform from 06 was still going strong, but new strops were added for Blight to destroy, a new axe sharpened beautifully by Bladeworx and a new chance for Mancathletes to prove themselves, for points, pride and passion.

11 Logs were assembled in a row – 180 mm thick, 450mm long, hard unyielding pine but each with a secret whispered to the Mancathlete who would only open his ears & listen, a key to unlock its unique grain, opening it to the motion of the axe and revealing its naked heart to the rushing oxygen of the outside world. The Randomizer had chosen the draw and the Mancathletes would have to abide by it’s capricious nature… it’s first victim would be Mr Shane Munro. Almost a no-show due to a nagging back injury sustained “opening a car door”, Munro exhibited The Spirit of the Mancathlon by turning up: back all strapped up with physio tape, bloodstream all dosed up on voltaren, ready to prove a damn point and get some damn points. Sadly the swing of the axe was not on his side that day, Munro made slow work of that hard, hard log and his chop seemed to stretch on interminably, but with the cheers of the supporters and his own guts and glory he broke through that motherf*cker at 7mins & 22secs. Exhausted, depleted and drained of his vital fluids Munro lay on the damp grass of Point Chevalier, sucking at the harsh spring air for precious energy and wondering to himself, which was more devastating – The Marathon or The Mancathlon?

Next up on the astroturf was AJ Sutton – looking to improve upon his solid 4min 40 performance in 2006 and doing so by a full minute and a half. Sutton had raised the stakes, but would it be enough to maintain points over the next 9 chops?

Sutton was followed by Agnew – the Big Man with Big Dreams for the 2007 Season. Agnew’s hawkish intensity was in evidence once more as he stepped up to the block and imposed his personality all over that weak ass log with an impressive 2 min 27 sec chop.

Mr Ricardo Borg rocked up late to the event, reeking of chutzpah and with a B & H Mild hanging lazily from his arrogantly curled lips. He exhibited a highly focused style of chop, carving a narrow and unrelenting wedge down the middle of log but failing to capitalize on the full potentiality of his powerful swing. As his athleticism failed him, he drew upon the energy of his audience to push him over the edge and break through that last final connection at 6 mins 6 secs.

Ben Wilson, an unorthodox man with an unorthodox style, but you can’t deny the cojones when they’re staring you in the face. At first it seemed like Wilson was petting the log, tenderly stroking and caressing the log, but as his rhythm built it wasn’t long before he was he was punishing the log, smacking and clapping at the log, until finally he broke through and lay gasping on the ground, hands clawing pathetically for that much deserved beer.

Striding towards the platform, bedecked in the proud tartan of the Gunn Clan and with a flamboyantly gay white shirt hugging his monstrously inflated bicep muscles was Mr Jared Trail – The Beast from The North-East. As he measured the log and called for Y-Vocative to start the stopwatch; storm clouds gathered above Casahuia and a chill wind began to blow in from Australia. And as he brought that 4 pound Fuller axe down upon the pinewood log mighty shockwaves of masculinity reverberated out across Point Chevalier – causing dogs to bark, children to explode and showers of giblets to rain down upon suburban backyards. When the onslaught was finally over, only 1 min 25 sec had elapsed, making Trail the man to beat in 07.

Next on the block was Trail’s flatmate, Mr Phillip Guthrie. The definition of determination, 83 kilos of focused intensity poured into a lycra rowing costume, Guthrie would not let this challenge go unanswered. Solid technique and good conditioning got Guthrie through the sub-2 minute club on 1 min 54 sec and feeling confident of scooping some points in Event number 3.

Home team advantage had done the business for Trail in Event 2, would it do the same for Judkins in Event 3. It seemed like it just might as Simon strode confidently towards the platform, stripping off his shirt and revealing a black farmboy singlet beneath, flexing for the crowd and casting his confident gaze upon the present Mancathletes and Friends of The Mancathlon. Chopping like he had nothing to lose and everything to gain Judkins fired everything he had at the log, a furious swirl of skinny arms and sharp metal. Would it be enough to snatch points in the 07? Afraid not…things done changed and it takes more than 2 mins 41 secs to snatch sweet Mancathlon points this year buddy…

Next up was “The Great White Hype”. After a devastating and unassailable chop in 06 Blight had a lot of pride and pressure on the line this year. Would he live up to expectations and obliterate the competition with his confident strokes or would he crumple under the weight and sink into obscurity? As he lifted his axe and began to hack at the log it seemed like maybe the champ was back, but no, a minute later and he was no further through. After a couple of minutes of pointless flailing he snapped through the strop and had to perform burpees while the log was resecured. Finally after 4 mins 16 secs of agony Blight severed the log in twain, collapsing on the ground with lungs burning and dignity shattered.

The penultimate Mancathlete, Duncan Reynolds, stepped up to the plate with the pride of every Waikato Farmer on his broad, hairy shoulders. All of a sudden he unleashed a flurry of blows upon the unsuspecting log. Foregoing classic technique for sheer brute strength Reynolds drive straight down the centre of the wood, breaking through in an impressive 1 min 46 secs.

Finally was Stuart “Beef” Brooke, number two in the 06 Chop Off, and looking do at least the same in 2007. Beef brought the thunder, chopping again and again, maintaining a furious momentum; buoyed by the cheers of the crowd and the pride of Big Chiefdom he never stopped once and broke through at an outstanding 1min 37secs.

Thank yous due to Simon, Michelle & Amelia for hosting a fine event, and to our charming audience for cheering at the appropriate moments. And for Tash and Shelley for showing us how it’s really done…

Points Scored – Trail [5], Brooke [4], Reynolds [3], Guthrie [2] and Agnew [1]

POINTS TABLE [After Three Events]

Trail (9)
Guthrie (8)
Reynolds (7)
Brooke (7)
Agnew (6)
Price (4)
MacFarlane (3)
Munro (1)
Judkins (0)
Borg (0)
Sutton (0)
Wilson (0)
Blight (0)
Short (0)
Trowbridge (0)
Holden (0)
Dunn (0)

The following Mancathletes were absent from Event 3:

Josh Short, Guy Trowbridge, Rodney MacFarlane, Sean Holden, Brydon Price & Chris Dunn.

EVENT 3 PHOTOS

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Event 2: Texas Hold ‘Em

The Second Event of the 2007 Mancathlon was held at Hotel Croydon on Friday 14th September and was attended by the following Mancathletes:

AJ Sutton, Ben Wilson, Brydon Price, Conrad Blight, Jared Trail, Josh Short, Leighton Agnew, Phillip Guthrie, Rich Borg, Rodney MacFarlane, Shane Munro, Simon Judkins & Stuart Brooke.

From plastic chips and a stained old blanket on a trestle table in 2006 to the plush, felt covered poker tables and clay chips of 2007; Mancathlon Poker has come a long way baby. No passing out, no exploding eggs, just focus and intensity, big plays, big wins and crushing losses. The best turnout ever at a Mancathlon event made for some serious competition and some huge pots as players went all in for points, pride and a brand new poker table.
Table 1 saw Rodders, Simon, Shane, Stu, Josh, Ben, & Leighton lock horns for the first round of play, only 3 men would make it through to the champions table – who would have the big nuts and who would fall by the wayside? About half an hour later Judkins answered the question, exiting the game with a sheepish grin. Rodders was to join him a short while later, complaining bitterly of a rigged game and vowing to “make it rain” next round. The remaining 5 Mancathletes battled it out, staying evenly matched for a long period, but with Stu slowly asserting dominance until his stack sprawled like South Auckland, sucking the cash out of Short & Wilson. In the final equation Brooke, Agnew & Munro moved through, securing themselves comfortable seating at the champs table.
Meanwhile on Table 2 Rich, Jared, Brydon, Con, AJ & Phil were engaged in a similarly bloodthirsty struggle for the coveted 3 spots. Blight was like a magnet to the chips, scooping pot after pot with the help of some ‘ATM’ plays from Sutton & Borg. Brydon was just about to bottom out of the game when he brought the thunder at just right moment with a fullhouse, connecting on the river in a mighty fashion. It didn’t earn him much cash but the momentum was enough to get him through to the final table. AJ, Phil and Rich’s stacks dwindled before their eyes, and with it their dreams of easy money and precious Mancathlon Points.
Tables were reset, chips restored to their original buy-in and the players seated in their new positions at the Repechage Table (playing for 1 Point) and the Champs Table (the Big Points).
On the losers table Guthrie tore through the competition like a hairy tornado, destroying everything in his path with a series of unbeatable hands, thrusting him into first place on the Mancathlon leaders board.
The Champs Table convened, with the top 6 players gunning it for the top 4 positions. One too many Carlsbergs made Blight forget that while poker rewards aggression, it’s not as generous towards stupidity, and his chips were swiftly donated to the “Make Agnew Stanky Rich” campaign fund. Munro was playing a vastly improved game this year, making some good plays but eventually he dipped out of the contest. Brydon and Beef were next to go, playing strong but not getting the cards. Leaving the two behemoths Agnew & Trail to go for it, massive stacks of chips spread out upon the table, 4000 dollar big blinds, sweat pouring down foreheads, eyeballs twitching, huge stakes and no time for jabronis. Finally Jared pushed all in against the stacked up Agnew, only to get beaten with a kicker on the same hand, Aquila Non Capit Muscas!

Points Scored – Agnew 5, Trail 4, Brooke 3, Price 2 and Guthrie 1

POINTS TABLE (After Two Events)

Guthrie (6)
Agnew (5)
Reynolds (4)
Trail (4)
Price (4)
MacFarlane (3)
Brooke (3)
Munro (1)
Judkins (0)
Borg (0)
Sutton (0)
Wilson (0)
Blight (0)
Short (0)
Trowbridge (0)
Holden (0)
Dunn (0)

The following Mancathletes were absent from Event 1:

Chris Dunn, Duncan Reynolds, Guy Trowbridge & Sean Holden.

EVENT 2 PHOTOS

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Event 1: Lawn Bowls

The First Event of the 2007 Mancathlon was held at Mt Eden Bowling Club on Saturday 8th September and was attended by the following Mancathletes:

AJ Sutton, Ben Wilson, Brydon Price, Conrad Blight, Duncan Reynolds, Jared Trail, Phillip Guthrie, Rodney MacFarlane, Shane Munro, Simon Judkins & Stuart Brooke.

A fine spring day in Mt Eden, the faded and bedraggled astroturf stretching out before us like an endless field of dreams, rich with the promise of Precious Mancathlon Points and with the heady scent of Manpride thick in the air. Yessir, that was the backdrop for the inaugural event of the 2007 Mancathlon season. And a fine first event it was. Eleven Mancathletes gathered at the clubhouse under the watchful gaze of champions from days gone by and prepared to do battle. After various stretches, a light smattering of smack talk, and a few practice bowls, the Mancathletes got down to business.
In Round 1, Blight was bested by Price, Sutton took out Munro and MacFarlane beat Trail in close matches, Guthrie toppled Wilson with relative ease and Reynolds did Judkins “in the old country way”, with a staggering 11 points to 1 win.
In the 2nd Round, it was Reynolds taking the wind out of Price’s sails and MacFarlane dashing Sutton’s dreams on the rocks, while on Rink 3 a fierce battle was unfolding between upstart Newblood Phill Guthrie and The Big Chief. With the 5th End stalemated Guthrie & Beef moved into a “bowl off”, and as the last bowl settled into place and the tape measure produced there was only one scant foot in it, but it was Guthrie’s closer to the jack and so it was Guthrie who moved through to the next round. At the same time as the big dogs were duking it out for the top of the points table, the losers over in the repechage round were fighting over scraps, trying to get that 1 Sweet Mancathlon Point that was up for grabs. Blight was roundly beaten by Judkins, and Munro defeated both Wilson and a badly hungover and stumbling Trail.
Final Round. For 5th Place it was Judkins against Munro with both men highly motivated to get on the board and get their campaign rolling but it was Munro who came up with the goods, earning his first point for ’07. Price, Sutton and Brooke squared off against each other for 4th place, Price maintained his grace under pressure and scooped 2 points for his efforts. Meantime on Rink #1, the cream had risen to the top and it was 3 of the new breed bowling for the big points – Reynolds, MacFarlane and Guthrie all got their first taste of a final round showdown with Precious Mancathlon Points on the line. Coming into the 5th end of the champs round it was Guthrie 3, Reynolds 2, and a visibly frustrated MacFarlane on 1, still anyone’s game. In the end though it was Guthrie who got that first sweet 5-Pointer, much to his delight and to Blight & Trail’s chagrin cos they have to live with the dude and listen to the braggadocio all week…

POINTS TABLE (After One Event)

Guthrie (5)
Reynolds (4)
MacFarlane (3)
Price (2)
Munro (1)
Judkins (0)
Sutton (0)
Wilson (0)
Blight (0)
Trail (0)
Brooke (0)
Short (0)
Agnew (0)
Trowbridge (0)
Holden (0)
Dunn (0)
Borg (0)

The following Mancathletes were absent from Event 1:

Sean Holden, Josh Short, Leighton Agnew, Guy Trowbridge, Rich Borg & Chris Dunn.

EVENT 1 PHOTOS

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“Ladies and Gentlemen”

The Mancathlon is an annual competition, comprising 10 Events and One Bonus Round, that is designed to test the “full spectrum of manliness” – including speed, strength, agility, intelligence and creativity. Each year a group of Mancathletes duke it out over a series of contests for the chance to be crowned The Big Chief and earn their place in immortality on The Mancathlon Trophy. Oh yeah!!!

The Mancathlon is erupting into a Fiery Second Season. The Year 2007, are you ready for this?

Stay tuned for news, views, photos, videos and various items of dubious entertainment value to anyone not directly involved in The Mancathlon. Who could resist…

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